I don't know how the threesome thing came up, but as soon as it did, it was a constant theme in our conversations. She and I met online, and she brought him into the mix soon after. It was a weird triangle, each of us with two IM windows open, and two webcam windows open, so we could see each other react to what we were all saying. Eventually we figured out how to make a chat IM so all three could talk together.
He was hers, and that was understood, but I would be allowed in on a special occasion. They'd seen each other on cam in underwear and less, but she will never know that he's seen me in my bra and that I've seen him naked. We both know she'd kill us if she found out. She used to cyber with him over webcam. She doesn't know that I've also watched him. It wasn't cyber, and he never saw me do anything, he just liked to know someone was watching. He'd be working on whatever he was working on, I'd be doing my own thing, and occasionally I'd glance over to the cam window.
Even after the threesome idea, it was always clear that they were the couple and I'd be the addition to that, there was never to be any sort of triad. Which is fine by me because that isn't the way I choose to live my life. A threesome is a fun thing to try out or experiment with, but not a lifestyle I want to lead. And I never wanted to be the intruder into anyone else's relationship.
When I finally met her, I wondered if anything would happen with us. We had joked about perhaps appearing on cam for him together. I knew she was bisexual. I'm straight, but was open to the option. Nothing happened though. There was this weird sexual tension when we talked to him, both of us huddled in front of her computer screen, on cam together, but remaining fully dressed, like everyone wanted to start something but no one dared. He bailed on the lunch we had planned for the next day, and I never talked to him again after that night. I went home, her life moved in a direction that led her away from him, and he shut us both out.
Sometimes I think about those nights we all sat on AIM and joked around. I wonder what happened to the levity we all seemed to have- how much of it was an act we put on for each other becasue it felt safe from the darkness of our separate homes. I wonder how the sudden realization that something could actually happen changed our feelings, or if it was simply that our lives all took certain directions and the realities of that night just served to show us that what we had joked about was just that, joking around, and was never anything any of us truly wanted to complicate our lives the way it would have.
I think I know the answer. I think for me it was just something fun to joke about, an exciting prospect that I knew would never come true. Because I never wonder what it would have been like. I never wonder how my life would be different if we had. It was a fantasy, a game we played, but not anything I ever truly wanted. Sure, in the moment, in that visit, I thought maybe I did, but she and I wouldn't be who we are, and we probably would not be friends now had we gone through with it. And I'd much rather have "missed out" on some hypothetical situation than on the friend that I have gained. We don't talk about it. We don't talk about that visit, and we don't talk about him. We talk about cats and babies and boyfriends and work. Sometimes I wonder if she thinks about it too.
Posted by Annora at March 22, 2006 10:03 AM