March 22, 2006

I don't know how the threesome thing came up, but as soon as it did, it was a constant theme in our conversations. She and I met online, and she brought him into the mix soon after. It was a weird triangle, each of us with two IM windows open, and two webcam windows open, so we could see each other react to what we were all saying. Eventually we figured out how to make a chat IM so all three could talk together.

He was hers, and that was understood, but I would be allowed in on a special occasion. They'd seen each other on cam in underwear and less, but she will never know that he's seen me in my bra and that I've seen him naked. We both know she'd kill us if she found out. She used to cyber with him over webcam. She doesn't know that I've also watched him. It wasn't cyber, and he never saw me do anything, he just liked to know someone was watching. He'd be working on whatever he was working on, I'd be doing my own thing, and occasionally I'd glance over to the cam window.

Even after the threesome idea, it was always clear that they were the couple and I'd be the addition to that, there was never to be any sort of triad. Which is fine by me because that isn't the way I choose to live my life. A threesome is a fun thing to try out or experiment with, but not a lifestyle I want to lead. And I never wanted to be the intruder into anyone else's relationship.

When I finally met her, I wondered if anything would happen with us. We had joked about perhaps appearing on cam for him together. I knew she was bisexual. I'm straight, but was open to the option. Nothing happened though. There was this weird sexual tension when we talked to him, both of us huddled in front of her computer screen, on cam together, but remaining fully dressed, like everyone wanted to start something but no one dared. He bailed on the lunch we had planned for the next day, and I never talked to him again after that night. I went home, her life moved in a direction that led her away from him, and he shut us both out.

Sometimes I think about those nights we all sat on AIM and joked around. I wonder what happened to the levity we all seemed to have- how much of it was an act we put on for each other becasue it felt safe from the darkness of our separate homes. I wonder how the sudden realization that something could actually happen changed our feelings, or if it was simply that our lives all took certain directions and the realities of that night just served to show us that what we had joked about was just that, joking around, and was never anything any of us truly wanted to complicate our lives the way it would have.

I think I know the answer. I think for me it was just something fun to joke about, an exciting prospect that I knew would never come true. Because I never wonder what it would have been like. I never wonder how my life would be different if we had. It was a fantasy, a game we played, but not anything I ever truly wanted. Sure, in the moment, in that visit, I thought maybe I did, but she and I wouldn't be who we are, and we probably would not be friends now had we gone through with it. And I'd much rather have "missed out" on some hypothetical situation than on the friend that I have gained. We don't talk about it. We don't talk about that visit, and we don't talk about him. We talk about cats and babies and boyfriends and work. Sometimes I wonder if she thinks about it too.

March 16, 2006

When I got home from work yesterday, this was waiting for me (click the pink boxes for alternate views. Mine is blue with white rings, and the rings are removable). I can't believe how quickly it got here. I mean, I can, seeing as the distribution center for the website he ordered it from is about 20 miles away, but still.

I met HP online a couple of years ago. We talked sporadically for the first year or so, and now we talk at least every couple of weeks. He is one of the only people to have seen a picture of my toy collection. He likes it when I use toys while we talk, and so I sent him a picture and sometimes I let him choose which one I'll use while we talk. He has always been quite enamored of one specific dildo, one that has a slightly oversize head on it and then narrows way down at the base. Unfortunately, that's my least favorite, mostly due to the fact that it was made of jelly rubber, a material I really don't care for, but also that it just wasn't right for me and I didn't enjoy it as much as I enjoy some of my others. About 2 weeks ago, I had to find a way to break it to him that I had finally thrown the damned thing out.

He was sad about it, but recognizes that it's my life and my money and my choice. He said I'd have to find a new one with a good head on it. He likes that, the teasing with a nice knobby head, just popping it in and out. He sent me a link and asked "what about this one?". I took a look, and it looked pretty good, it had a good shape to it, it was pretty (not that that matters a whole lot) and looked like it could be a lot of fun. But looking at the price I could tell instantly that it was jelly rubber, without having to read that in the item description. The problem with jelly rubber is that it is porous, and hard to keep clean. Retailers, the good ones anyway, recommend using them with condoms, and I'm sorry but I don't think my sex toys should be that much work. Also, jelly rubber contains latex, which more and more people seem to be allergic to. I much prefer silicone, but silicone is quite a bit more expensive.

The toy he had sent me cost something like $19.99. I found the same toy in silicone on a different site, and it was about $50. While he had been looking around for links to send, I had surfed over to Good Vibrations and was browsing their silicone collection. I sent him a link to the above toy and I believe his response was "OH MY GOD, YES!" It did look like fun. But it came with a $70 price tag, which doesn't surprise me, but is a bit outside my budget right now. I told him I'd think about saving up for it. And then he said something that floored me.

"Would you consider letting me buy it for you?"
"I don't know, that's a lot of money HP."
"I'd like to. Besides, it's not like I wouldn't get something of it."

So I thought about it. I've let a guy I liked a whole lot less buy me one. Admittedly that was probably a $9.99 special, and this is much better quality and much more expensive, but if he wanted to, why should I stop him? I know he can afford it. He gets good tips as a bartender, and lives well. So I said yes. Sure, okay, I'd love that. The one condition placed on it was that when it got here, I had to wait til he could be on the phone with me before I could use it. But if I just couldn't wait, I at the very least I had to leave him a voicemail. But I said no way to the second part. I said the very least I could do was wait til he could be on the phone with me.

I got home last night and the box was on my porch. He ordered it at about midnight on Monday, so it got here super fast. I carried the box into the house and sent him a text message before I even cut the tape.

"Guess what arrived today?"

Unfortunately he was working last night and so we haven't gotten to break it in yet, but I anticipate that we will probably do that either tonight or Saturday morning.

***UPDATE***
Holy Motherfucking Shit. I'm never leaving the house again.